Last year, when New York State passed a law banning the public from legally taking selfies with tigers, I was worried. When I joined Tinder last summer, the Tiger Selfie was the gold standard for quickly pinpointing the most dateable men. With the #TS gone, how would I be able to tell if a man feared nothing, could tame a wild beast, and loved travel/knew where the most relaxed zoos were? When #TS photos disappeared, so did my standards and soon I was swiping right on photos of men skydiving, or posed with B-list celebrities, or anyone even slightly resembling my ex. Thankfully a new and better standard has emerged and I can once again, easily determine who is dateable, and who is not.
I present to you the new #TS: The #FBS
The French Bulldog Selfie: It is a proven fact that anything with a Tumblr dedicated to it is a well respected movement. Now obviously the French Bulldog Selfie is no Tiger Selfie. A tiger is a wild cat tamed only by the grace of its handler and also tranquilizer. A French Bulldog is a tiny, fucking adorable, domesticated, friendly ass dog. But I would argue that #FBS men have an even higher level of grander and sex appeal than #TS men. Here's why...
OH MY GOD! CUME home with me! I mean hey, you might not have a choice because French Bulldogs are banned by several commercial airlines due to the numbers that have died in the air because of their difficulty breathing in stressed environments. Which means guys with the #FBS scream "I'm more about those quiet intimate nights at home." Be still my heart! But not as still as a dead French Bulldog. Swiping RIGHT!
That dog is SO fucking cute! Did you know that 80% of French Bulldogs require artificial insemination and caesarean section to give birth? As a woman who wants kids but whose reproductive organs are swiftly deteriorating, I can now give away my heart knowing that only #FBS guys are capable of loving a creature with reproductive organs that will one day mirror my own. RIGHT!
Mama LIKE! My back hurts just thinking of all the possibilities. And possibilities for injury to a French Bulldog are enormous because of way they've been bred. They're prone to spinal diseases, kneecap dislocations, and what's called "butterfly vertebrae." More proof that an #FBS man has a HUGE soft spot for delicate and less fortunate beings. I'm don't fully understand what a butterfly vertebrae is, but if it's anything like the butterflies I feel right now sign me up! RIGHT!
Caution: do NOT be swayed by anything less than the #FBS. Do NOT let a man holding a adorable but lesser, naturally bred, less expensive, less disease prone dog fool you into swiping right! LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!
Mmm, that's better. Well what are you waiting for ladies? Grab an #FBS man while you can! As with all things, this too shall pass; the #FBS will go the way of the #TS and once again we'll be forced to choose another standard by which to measure our Tinder men. When that time comes all I can say is, your move Shooting-A-Gun Selfies.
P.S. Consequently, I have declared myself undatable. If anyone has a French Bulldog to loan me for a pic, please DM me on Twitter!